Celebrity: Ivana Trump
Orders: egg white omelet with vegetables and mushrooms
Me: "So, can I sit anywhere?"
Waiter: "It's 2:30 in the morning, Sir. We're closing. I'm going home."
Me: "I demand to speak with the maitre d'."
Maitre d': "You can have some left-over birthday cake. The kitchen closed an hour ago. Anyway, we don't serve omelets."
Me: "You opened your kitchen for Ivana and Beverly Johnson when they came in, same time. And you served them egg white omelets with vegetables and mushrooms."
Waiter: "How did you know that?"
Me: (I cut the crap, then smush it right back together, again) "Ivana told me."
Maitre d': "Have you been drinking? "
Me: "I just want to be clear. How famous do I have to be to get the egg white with vegetables and mushrooms omelet? Do I have to have a messy divorce from a rich guy? Do I have to write a trashy book? Is it me you hate personally, or just what I stand for?"
Maitre d': "Security!"
Restaurant: Wolf's Deli
Celebrity: Peter Falk
Orders: free sample of goulash
Me: "The goulash or the corned beef..." (equivocating) "I don't know which one...the goulash or the corned beef..."
Waitress: "Well, do you like goulash or corned beef?" (she seems not to catch my drift; do I need to spell it out?)
Me: "Skyooze me maam..." (let it hang there, suspended in mid air like the scent of gherkins...then I move in for the kill) "Just one more thing. Could I taste a sample of the goulash?"
Waitress: "No, they don't do that."
Me: "Oh, yes you do- for Peter Falk. And I don't expect to be treated any differently. Either you serve me a sample of goulash, or you send over the manager."
I never see her again, or the manager.
Restaurant: Sette Mezzo
Celebrity: Donna Karan
Orders: steamed broccoli rabe on penne with slices of garlic and olive oil
Me: "You know a big influence on Donna Karan is Deepak Chopra?"
Waiter: "Non capisce."
Me: "You know Donna says she's experienced seven past lives?"
Waiter: "I know Donna, and she's lucky if she experiences her present one."
Me: "No, the menu isn't necessary. I'll have what Donna has."
They serve it to me. Makes a celebrity wannabe damn near weep. How does it taste? Let's just say some things aren't listed on the menu for a good reason.
Restaurant: Café Tabac
Waiter: "We do not serve sushi here. You can only order food which is on the menu. Sushi is not on the menu."
Me: "You served Madonna sushi."
Waiter: "You are not Madonna."
Me: "How can I be if you won't even let me eat like her?"
Celebrity: Al Pacino
Orders: Chinese food, whether he's at a Chinese restaurant or not
Me: "I would like a heaping serving of Beef with Oyster Sauce."
Waiter: "Beef a la Barolo?"
Me: "Fine, if it's easier, I'll have the Kung Pao Chicken."
Waiter: "Chicken Cacciatora? We can make for you Chicken Parmigiana. A nice Chicken Francese? Chicken Contadina; whatever you like."
Me: "Hmm... The Wonderful Taste Lover's Crispy Triple Delight."
Waiter: "We are a Neapolitan restaurant. We serve only Neapolitan food."
Me: "Okay, look, you serve Al Pacino Chinese food."
Waiter: "Not me..."
Me: "I know it was you, Fredo."
Waiter: "But my name's not- "
Me: "I don't want to be a problem. I'll just have the Pu Pu Platter, all right?"
Waiters from across the room stare like gaping simians. Patrons crane their necks.
Me: "So, that's how it is? Al Pacino gets whatever he wants. But I get nothing. You're out of order! All you waiters are out of order! You're all out of order!!"
Waiter: (laughs, not with me)