Vatican City -- New York -- Buenos Aires
God's infallible representative on Earth, the current Pope Francis, announced today he is asking his handlers for a sizable loan in order to buy the Argentine soccer club San Lorenzo.
"The Catholic Church has traditionally kept a keen eye on soccer and its healthy and vigorous young participants, running around in shorts, trying to get it in, leaving their precious souls on the field while trying to score. Especially the junior leagues. No no, please, no questions, let me finish.
Now, with this Trump guy wanting to buy my favorite soccer club ... I thought it would be appropriate to try to get some money from my fellow Jesuit masters, they have more than enough lying around. People think that the Vatican Bank is some incredibly wealthy financial institution, when in fact it is nothing but an old ATM machine linked to the residence of the Supreme General of the Society of Jesus, just down the street, close to St. Peters Square. Actually, there are currently two of them because ... well, let's not get into that right now. But they do have all the serious money, and I need some to buy my, I mean, God's, favorite soccer club before this rich guy Trump buys it. Or this ambitious TV host asshole in my home country of Argentina."
Francis continued: "Let's be honest, the vast majority of people, especially men, are much, much, much more into soccer than the Holy Roman Church, so ... I mean, if there is one person who should have the right of first option to buy The Father's favorite team it should be me. Not Trump, or this Tinelli fuckhead, who by the way is a real disgrace for my people at home."
When asked how he would manage to combine his job as God's only and infallible representative on Earth, Jorge (Bergoglio) said: "You should leave this to me and my as you rightly say infallible judgement. I am sure that with me, that is, God, sort of, as the new owner, this soccer team will make history. Let's see who dares to make a goal to The Lord's Team, hehe."
At press time, Donald J. Trump was not immediately available for comment. Sources close to the billionaire presidential candidate for the US of A however remarked that The Donald has always respected fair play and tough negotiating tactics, so he is "probably not too worried about this kinda celestial competition". "Trump has had tougher opponents, trust me" said a close aide of America's most entertaining presidential hopeful since ... since ... since ...
... since James A. Garfield was elected president in 1881, planning to abolish private central banking and promptly getting what he deserved.
JvT
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